Petchatz seems like a neat problem, but their advertising is a little weird.
Another Moontower Comedy Festival has passed. I once again was lucky enough to interview this year's participants along with John Merriman. Here were some of my favorites, but check out the link to see all our interviews from this year.
Fall is finally upon us. We’ve scoured the world for the newest trends in fashion and culture. We’ve been everywhere from the gritty backstreets of NYC to Fall Fashion Week in Milan. Here’s your comprehensive guide to everything you’ll be wearing and doing this fall.
Everyone get Creeked! Coldwater Creek isn’t just for spirited Grandma’s anymore. Breezy skirts, large foliage prints, and anything in Sangria Red are musts this fall. Gwyneth Paltrow has been spotted strutting in a nice wide pant leg and ballooned blouse from da' Creek (as the celebs like to call it).
Puzzle Piece Pins
They’re back! Puzzle piece pins are everywhere. From the runways of Milan to downtown Kissimee Florida, those puzzle piece pins are having their day…again. I love Luxe Boutique’s pins made of reclaimed puzzle and organic glitter.
Goodbye uggos! Burn all your past friendships to the ground to be a part of a hot new crew and you’ll instantly be on top of one of fall’s hottest trends. Get ready to mimic their every move and opinion. Do drugs and make fun of others if that you have to.
Garlic Dipping Sauce Moisturizer
We hit up some of the top Paris beauty shows over fashion week and boy were we surprised! Argan oil and green tea extract are a thing of the past. Women are using Papa John’s garlic dipping sauce to get smooth, buttery baby skin. Apply before bed and wake up slick and shiny. Those handy purse size containers make it even simpler to achieve a fall sparkle.
Dressing Like a Retired President
Hail to the chief this fall! The look is as simple as tucked polo and a nice pair of slacks. Trenches in all sizes and colors (just beige and black). You’re ready to hit the golf course or a Daft Punk show.
Having a Family and Kids
You’ve seen it all over Facebook. Being in a happy marriage with kids is def in. Celebrities and vloggers everywhere are sharing heartfelt testimonials to their spouses and hot boyfriends/girlfriends. Get hundreds of likes instantly with cute baby pics. Bonus style points, post how you’ve achieved your creative and financial goals.
OMG Cupid recently held their third event. I've been lucky enough to be added as producer to Austin's only show devoted to the wretched and humorous world of online dating. Here's the piece I wrote for the last show about the ghost of online dating future.
Transmission from 2089
Being 78419β: Greetings! Wow, I was just swiping through holograms and your smile lit up my pod dwelling right away. Before we potentially start any kind of body to body coupling, you should know there is someone special in my life…Ginger. Don't worry, she's just my pet alien! She's a rescue, but sometimes i wonder who rescued who. She technically rescued me from a radioactive asteroid shower, but now she lives with me and i care for her. Both argument are valid. She's great, but she will try and murder any female that gets near me. If you two ever meet, I'll have to crate her. Speaking of meeting, it would be great to sit down in person and read each other’s minds.
Being 49473δ: Hello, 78419β. I've enjoyed your holographic images as well. A little bit about me - I’m 32 year old professor at the University of Saturn and I teach the History of Internet Cat Videos. I like cooking and playing vintage video games like Candy Crush and Farmville. Hope you like nerds, LOL. What do you like to do with your spare time? Also, i want to grow two children.
Being 78419β: You sound cool and chill. I’m a nerd too. In fact, I still read! I recently finished the Da Vinci Code and have just started the Collected Works of Twitter. For work, I'm a interstellar trans-galaxy omega G-space pilot, but what I really want to do is write. Drinks Wednesday?
PS. Did i mention your hologram has pretty eyes?
Being 49473δ: Wednesday sounds perfect. I can't wait to meet and talk. Does fifteen minutes sound good or is that too long? You better not end of being a cyborg like that last one...
Being 78419β: Sound exquisite. Don’t worry. I’m all skin and bone and optimized flesh gel. Let's meet at the Interphasion Lounge and share some laffs over a glass of hallucinogenic serum.
Being 49473δ: I had a great time on Wednesday. Sorry I was running late and had to send a computer generated image of myself. I downloaded the data into my brain later that night and it seemed like we had a really great time. Yay! Let's meet in person soon and touch genitals. Friday?
Being 78419β: Darn, Friday I'm kind of busy. I have a side gig where I cure diseases. Saturday?
Being 49473δ: Saturday is no good. Saturdays I chant to my sun crystals in five hour blocks to recharge my corporeal being. I know, I'm such hippie, but it’s the only thing that keeps me from flinging by body into the endless, black abyss. Next Tuesday?
Being 78419β: Tuesdays aren’t good. Me and my boyz like to shoot space rockets into the atmosphere while yelling things. No women or beings that identify as women allowed. What’s your June like?
Being 49473δ: June's pretty packed. July?
Being 78419β: July 2089 or July 2090?
Being 49473δ: 2090
Being 78419β: Ooh, no good. I plan on moving to Saturn in 2090. It is part of the pact I made with Ginger when she saved me from the radioactive asteroid shower. Long story, LOL. Sorry, forgot to mention it before. Not looking for anything serious, just friends with benefits.
Being 49473δ is now offline
Here's a fun workout video I made. Feel free to incorporate it into your daily routine
Nihilistic World of Ken 001
I made a new video for Collegehumor's CH2 page. It's got lot's of cute doggies. Give it a watch and a share if you like. Help me get more views than "If Jizz Socks Could Talk."
I've been seeing more and more articles online profiling micro homes. Living in a tiny house seems awesome, especially when sharing your humble abode with the one you love who's of course attractive. Is it really the right move for me, though? I talked to some couples to get the skinny on what it is really like to live in these adorable micro-pads..
We love each other almost as much as we love having a low carbon emission! We made that heart out of reclaimed wood and fern leaves we found in the surrounding woods. Currently, we work from home together on our joint small business. We haven't once thought about killing each other, although one time I did get mad at him for leaving the almond milk out but it was just a misunderstanding. Lol!
Oh, what, that? Oh that's just some homemade apple chips I made from our trees in the orchard outside. We try to not watch the TV that much, but sometimes we just like to binge watch a serial TV show together. It's so easy because we always want to watch the same thing. We've never once had to sit in the same room with headphones on staring at our laptops not interacting for hours at a time.
We hesitated about moving in to our tiny getaway at first, but we both agreed, as long as there is room for all our books. Sometimes we fight over who gets to a read a new book first (Wednesday is Amazon Drone delivery day). We now have a system. - Whoever gets to read the new release first is on dish duty till they are done! We always cave and help each other though.
We decided we wanted our tiny house to be at least 20 miles away from civilization since all we need is each other. We have currently given up the English language and have found our own personal combination of grunts and hand gestures works much better for us . Ha ha, yeah, of course we are white.
Winter is our favorite season because all we do is cuddle for warmth. We also have a fucking cute as dog to go with our cute ass house. I'm disappointed I haven't hung our porch swing yet, but there's always next year, or the year after, or the following year, or the afterlife because we made a blood pact to die here and haunt it forever. We're gonna be the first cuddling ghosts.
I am having a hard time talking to you because I can't hear you over all this love. I just feel sorry for all those couple that need things (don't get me started on single people that don't live in dug out holes). We're both professional bloggers so we just get each other. We're so perfect I worry we are going to implode. I guess that's how I want to go though - imploding all over our tiny eco-house!
The exciting conclusion of The Adventures Kerri and Ralphie in Orlando
6:30 am Wake up and binge at Einstein's bagels on the way to Disney. We're not joking around.
9:00 am Arrive at the park and go straight to Space Mountain. The illumination is off and it is extra dark and therefore extra awesome.
9:31 am Ride the Carousel of Progress. Worried Patricia of the future has become sentient and is going to murder us all.
9:48 am 12:30 pm Ride a bunch of ride that aren't Space Mountain
12:43 pm Ride Space Mountain a second time before heading to Epcot.
1:38 pm Grandmas love Epcot!
2:35 pm My credit card gets rejected in Morocco.
3: 11 pm Captain EO. Everything else in Epcot is pretty boring.
4:55 pm Tower of Terror ties for best ride. I scream my lungs off.
5:30 pm Our longest wait is at Rock N' Rollercoaster. The concept is you get in a really fast limo to make it to the Aerosmith concert in time after they give you free backstage passes. I like to pretend that you are racing away from the concert as fast as you can to avoid joining Steven Tyler's coven.
7:20 We realize we are not having fun anymore in Disney, but really Orlando in general is getting pretty irritating. Eat Chipotle then watch youtube videos in bed until we konk out. See you soon, Austin.
Florida home stretch, now with Justin Williams.
11:30 am We desperately needed to start our with vegetables so we trek over to the Dandelion Cafe. I was warned this was the "hippie" vegan place. Don't worry I can handle your hippies Florida. I live next to a pacakageless grocery store and wave to my neighborhood bicycle composter collector in the morning. I got this.
1:20 pm I drag everyone to Big Tree Park to see a big tree. A psychic in Sedona told me I should hug more trees because I am a healer and I get energy ftom them. There actually was a sign not to touch big tree since he was pretty old (around 600). I gave it a quick pat because Sedona psychic > a sign.
1:45 pm Finally dropped by Etoile Boutique, a hip, little vintage shop in the Milk district. I got a fly skirt, top and some other goodies. Justin also picked up a sweet tartan bow tie and suspenders. Check this place out if you are in Orlando. Really great prices for vintage and handmade goods.
6:00 pm Ralph and I's last show was the 6 pm Peacock Lounge. It was packed because Orlando audiences are awesome. Plus, my sister Tia was randomly in town. Yay!
7:56 pm Ate some delicious Cuban food with Tia. Hung out with some comics and then retired early so we could plan Disney World tomorrow. I know you were all excited for me to live tweet the Electric Light Parade, but sadly it does not occur on Sundays :(
Part two of the exciting adventures of Ralph and Kerri in Mickeyland.
11:00 am Ralph and I enjoy a leisurely breakfast of Trader Joe's snacks in our Airbnb.
1:30 pm We take a Lyft to our rental car. Chit chatted with our driver, Jan, about the comedy fest. She reminisced about seeing comedy in 70's San Francisco at the Holy City Zoo all while making a 5 point U-turn into oncoming traffic. She'd mostly go to watch her friend...Richard Belzer! She also kindly offered us a joke to "have" if we want. "What's the deal with pharmaceuticals?" she exclaimed. No need for a punchline here. Ralph did not let her off easy. "No, that's probably been done."
1:57 pm I eat something called breakfast bread pudding at 7 Bites Sweet and Savory Bakery. It was basically bread with hollandaise. See below. Ralph is in the background eating meatloaf.
2:15 pm Time in the middle of the day is permanently lost to a bread pudding/meatloaf daze.
4:14 pm I spot a Wawa.
5:30 pm Met up with third roomie Justin Williams. Get Vietnamese and do comedy all night long to some quality crowds. Good job Orlando.
2:00 am Watched Untold Stories of the Sex ER for #Sextempber on Discovery Health. It wasn't very good so we switched to Hocus Pocus.
Ralph Hardesty and I are on our way to Orlando for the Orlando Indie Comedy Fest. I'll be keeping a log for y'all so it will feel like you are traveling with us.
4:45 pm Ralph and I arrive at the airport.
5:15 pm Ralph and I angrily realize that Auntie Anne's has just closed. We had been talking about it all security line. The worker is still cleaning up taunting us. Auntie Anne's Adventure to be continued...
5:20 pm Place order at Thunderclouds.
5:55 pm Finally get our sandwiches. Four people are working and all are high.
8:30 pm Complete People Magazine crossword puzzle in record breaking time. Easily got "D, E, F __, J, K." Got tripped up on Shaq's last name. Shaqullie's last name is O'Neal. I thought Shaq's last name was Shazzam or something?
11:55 pm Arrive at our sweet Airbnb and get some Orlando beauty rest.
Here I am in commercial for Mother's Milk Bank of Austin. It's a great organization that helps out Mothers in need of breast milk and they also promote breast feeding. Read more about them here - http://www.milkbank.org/
There's only one Earth (as far as we know). That's why it is important to reuse and recycle. Luckily, there's tons of fun, funky ways to upcycle and transform items around your very own home.
Here's a simple upcycle project for beginners. Do you need more storage for small items and liquids? Then upcycle that mason jar chandelier into storage containers in 5 easy steps.
You'll need -
Unscrew mason jars from chandelier (make sure fixture is off and has cooled or use gloves). Set jars aside.
Remove remaining light fixture from the celling. Don't forget to cover up the hole with a blanket. Choose a colorful pattern to brighten up the now dark room.
Undo light fixture post from jar lid. If lids not included in chandelier, try rummaging at thrift stores or yard sales for loose lids.
Screw lids on to mason jars.
If there is still a hole in the lid, cover with duct tape or recycled chewing gum for a pop of color.
Store your favorite items.
Now you have handy storage containers without creating a carbon footprint.
Who wore it better?
Just finished the book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. The book features what hospice nurse Bronnie Ware has learned about life and regret from the dying patients she tends. The book is very enlightening but also very, very surprising. It's a rather quick read, but for those who don't have time for books I've included a quick summary of the top 5 regrets.
1. I wish I had spent less time with people
Patients wished they would have spent more quality time alone in their bed with their laptop.
2. I wish I had taken the time to finish the Sopranos.
Even the patients that did believe in an afterlife were worried there wouldn't be HBO GO access there.
3. I wish I had the the courage to repress my feelings.
"It just wasn't worth the time and effort," the majority of the dying said.
4. I wish had spent more time aimlessly browsing the internet.
Most agreed while Facebook can distract from accomplishing work, once you start watching that video of kittens going down a slide, you don't even remember you are going to die alone.
5. I wish I had slept more.
There were a variety of things listed as people's ultimate regret: Lying to a loved one, missing the concert of their favorite band right before they broke up, bangs, but not one person listed napping. Ever.
This April was the third annual Moontower Comedy Festival in Austin. I was lucky enough to interview many of the comics that came to the fest along with my co-host John Merriman. This year we talked to Fred Armisen, Maria Bamford, Hannibal Buress, the Sklar Brothers, and more hilarious people that made me incredibly nervous but were totally delightful.
Check out the interviews here.