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Thanatophobic Movie Reviews

Batman

The perfect movie for kids of all ages be reminded death is around the corner even at a Prince concert (Not recommended for people who don't want Prince ruined forever). Everyone loves a parade, especially one that gases you to death. You haven't thought about gas chambers in awhile have you? Also, Jack Nicholson churns out a surprisingly entertaining performance as the Joker.

 

Titanic

A 3 hour and 20 minutes terror filled romp scored by Celine Dion. Drowning, freezing, flinging your body from great heights, it will be hard to concentrate on just one way to aguishly die. You won't even have time to notice the shitty love story. 

 

Gravity

A thriller indeed. This movie will keep you on the edge of your seat sweating. Feel your heart race to an absurd speed as you ponder whether suffocation or exploding would kill you first. Or is it imploding? I can never keep the two straight, but for some reason imploding definitely sounds more painful. Also, Sandra Bullock has some regrets about her kids.*

 

Panic Room

Just get out! Just get out! Why was a panic room ever built in the first place. You can have just built a tunnel system to the ousted. That's what I would do if I had enough money.

 

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

KIDS ARE JUST CONSTANTLY DYING AND WHERE ARE THOSE OOMPA LOOMPAS TAKING THEM?!