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Orlando Day 2

Part two of the exciting adventures of Ralph and Kerri in Mickeyland.

Day 2

11:00 am Ralph and I enjoy a leisurely breakfast of Trader Joe's snacks in our Airbnb.

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1:30 pm We take a Lyft to our rental car. Chit chatted with our driver, Jan, about the comedy fest. She reminisced about seeing comedy in 70's San Francisco at the Holy City Zoo all while making a 5 point U-turn into oncoming traffic. She'd mostly go to watch her friend...Richard Belzer! She also kindly offered us a joke to "have" if we want. "What's the deal with pharmaceuticals?" she exclaimed. No need for a punchline here. Ralph did not let her off easy. "No, that's probably been done." 

1:57 pm I eat something called breakfast bread pudding at 7 Bites Sweet and Savory Bakery. It was basically bread with hollandaise. See below. Ralph is in the background eating meatloaf.

2:15 pm Time in the middle of the day is permanently lost to a bread pudding/meatloaf daze.

4:14 pm I spot a Wawa.

5:30 pm Met up with third roomie Justin Williams. Get Vietnamese and do comedy all night long to some quality crowds. Good job Orlando.

2:00 am Watched Untold Stories of the Sex ER for #Sextempber on Discovery Health. It wasn't very good so we switched to Hocus Pocus.

Orlando: Day 1

Ralph Hardesty and I are on our way to Orlando for the Orlando Indie Comedy Fest. I'll be keeping a log for y'all so it will feel like you are traveling with us.

Day 1

4:45 pm Ralph and I arrive at the airport.

5:15 pm Ralph and I angrily realize that Auntie Anne's has just closed. We had been talking about it all security line. The worker is still cleaning up taunting us.  Auntie Anne's Adventure to be continued...

5:20 pm Place order at Thunderclouds.

5:55 pm Finally get our sandwiches. Four people are working and all are high.

8:30 pm Complete People Magazine crossword puzzle in record breaking time. Easily got "D, E, F __, J, K." Got tripped up on Shaq's last name. Shaqullie's last name is O'Neal. I  thought Shaq's last name was Shazzam or something?

11:55 pm Arrive at our sweet Airbnb and get some Orlando beauty rest.

Acting

Here I am in commercial for Mother's Milk Bank of Austin. It's a great organization that helps out Mothers in need of breast milk and they also promote breast feeding. Read more about them here -  http://www.milkbank.org/


DIY Home: How to turn your mason jar chandelier into handy storage containers

There's only one Earth (as far as we know). That's why it is important to reuse and recycle. Luckily, there's tons of fun, funky ways to upcycle and transform items around your very own home.

Here's a simple upcycle project for beginners. Do you need more storage for small items and liquids? Then upcycle that mason jar chandelier into storage containers in 5 easy steps.

You'll need -

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Step One

Unscrew mason jars from chandelier (make sure fixture is off and has cooled or use gloves). Set jars aside.

Step Two

Remove remaining light fixture from the celling. Don't forget to cover up the hole with a blanket. Choose a colorful pattern to brighten up the now dark room.

Step Three

Undo light fixture post from jar lid. If lids not included in chandelier, try rummaging at thrift stores or yard sales for loose lids.

Step Four

Screw lids on to mason jars.

If there is still a hole in the lid, cover with duct tape or recycled chewing gum for a pop of color.

Step Five

Store your favorite items.

Now you have handy storage containers without creating a carbon footprint. 

 

Book Review

Just finished the book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. The book features what hospice nurse Bronnie Ware has learned about life and regret from the dying patients she tends. The book is very enlightening but also very, very surprising. It's a rather quick read, but for those who don't have time for books I've included a quick summary of the top 5 regrets.

1. I wish I had spent less time with people

Patients wished they would have spent more quality time alone in their bed with their laptop.

2. I wish I had taken the time to finish the Sopranos.

Even the patients that did believe in an afterlife were worried there wouldn't be HBO GO access there.

3. I wish I had the the courage to repress my feelings.

"It just wasn't worth the time and effort," the majority of the dying said.

4. I wish had spent more time aimlessly browsing the internet.

Most agreed while Facebook can distract from accomplishing work, once you start watching that video of kittens going down a slide, you don't even remember you are going to die alone.

5. I wish I had slept more.

There were a variety of things listed as people's ultimate regret: Lying to a loved one, missing the concert of their favorite band right before they broke up, bangs, but not one person listed napping. Ever.

Inside Joke at the Moontower Comedy Festival

This April was the third annual Moontower Comedy Festival in Austin. I was lucky enough to interview many of the comics that came to the fest along with my co-host John Merriman. This year we talked to Fred Armisen, Maria Bamford, Hannibal Buress, the Sklar Brothers, and more hilarious people that made me incredibly nervous but were totally delightful.

Check out the interviews here.

 

Moment of Truth

Lashonda Lester and I counted down the top ten Lifetime movies last night for our Moment of Truth show at Spiderhouse Ballroom. Here's a clip from the #2 movie, Kate's Secret, that features Meredith Baxter binging while creepy music plays.

Top secret list of potential SXSW drop-ins

I'll be at Cap City this week - March 12th to March 15th. Shows are at 8 with additional 10:30 shows on Friday and Saturday. The hilarious Bengt Washburn headlines.

It is SXSW, so that means there is a lot of potential for special guests. I've been doing some snooping and got access to the list of probable drop-ins for Cap City this week. 

Some of the rumored big times are:

Bill Cosby

Steve Martin

Coldplay

Bill Murray

Oasis

Other British bands

Braniac the very brainy comedian

SXSW keynote speaker Lady Gaga (under the name Lady Ha Ha)

Industry types

Grumpy cat's first stand up set

Murder City Devils

Sinbad

Dune Bug

Big Mamma Boom Boom's urban showcase

Sir Paul McCartney

The cast of the Cosby show

A hip young comedian you haven't heard of because you are out of touch

Baby Dane Cook

Giancarlo Esposito reprising his role as Buggin' Out

Hipsters who don't self identify as hipsters

Hipsters who do self identify as hipsters

The cast of the Cosby Mysteries

Hilario the Great, magic and comedy

The snails I've been finding on my porch at night

+ many more

SXSW Pick Up Lines

South by Southwest is quickly approaching. There will be lots of talented, attractive, successful people visiting Austin. How will you ever have a chance of scoring with them? Here are some pick up lines to set you a part from the pack.

 

There's a secret show going on in my bedroom tonight and you're invited. But you got RSVP online. For reals. Even though I am not even going to check when you get there. You still got to RSVP.

Do you want to go shopping for unflattering pants with me?

Hey, Babe! I got some free condoms and Vitawater this morning…and I'm all out Vitawater.
Must not puke from Vitawater overconsumption for this line to work

That vintage aviation suit looks good on you but it would look better on the floor of my friend's living room because I am currently renting out my place on Airbnb for some extra cash and crashing on my friend's couch.

I don't know what you are doing later, but I built a reinforced tunnel beneath the Fader Fort over the past two months and you look like the kind of boy/girl that would be good at the army crawl.
End line with a wink

You're the cutest boy/girl in I've seen in a bra top made out of reclaimed wood all day and I've seen about 33.

My friend owns a helicopter and can get us out of here.
To be used towards the end of the festival

THERE ARE LIKE 30 MILLION PEOPLE IN A ONE MILE RADIUS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T MAKE ME GO HOME ALONE TONIGHT

 

 

 


KRW - Karaoke Recommendation Wednesday

In honor of good ol' Georgie's birthday yesterday, i bring you "My Sweet Lord." It has a nice build to it with the signature Spector Wall of Sound at the end which makes it perfect for a large group. 

Some karaoke places may try to cheat you out of the ending which is the best part. What's the point of doing My Sweet Lord if you are not making your friend's endure Sanskirt chanting of the Hindu gods?

I highly recommend the Scorsese directed George Harrison: Living in a Material World  available on HboGo streaming. The 208 minute two-part documentary will have you missing George more than ever. But there's always this clip from the 2004 Harrison tribute to help you reminisce (Where does Prince's guitar go at the end?).

What's that? You don't have an HboGo. Are you okay? Do you need help? Should I call a doctor? Nod once if you've been kidnapped.

Thanatophobic Movie Reviews

Batman

The perfect movie for kids of all ages be reminded death is around the corner even at a Prince concert (Not recommended for people who don't want Prince ruined forever). Everyone loves a parade, especially one that gases you to death. You haven't thought about gas chambers in awhile have you? Also, Jack Nicholson churns out a surprisingly entertaining performance as the Joker.

 

Titanic

A 3 hour and 20 minutes terror filled romp scored by Celine Dion. Drowning, freezing, flinging your body from great heights, it will be hard to concentrate on just one way to aguishly die. You won't even have time to notice the shitty love story. 

 

Gravity

A thriller indeed. This movie will keep you on the edge of your seat sweating. Feel your heart race to an absurd speed as you ponder whether suffocation or exploding would kill you first. Or is it imploding? I can never keep the two straight, but for some reason imploding definitely sounds more painful. Also, Sandra Bullock has some regrets about her kids.*

 

Panic Room

Just get out! Just get out! Why was a panic room ever built in the first place. You can have just built a tunnel system to the ousted. That's what I would do if I had enough money.

 

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

KIDS ARE JUST CONSTANTLY DYING AND WHERE ARE THOSE OOMPA LOOMPAS TAKING THEM?!

Wild Dreamer

I had a dream last night that during the Grammys Seal was singing and Sting was doing some free-form dancing on the sidelines. Elton John spotted Sting's horrible funky dancing and threw some shade. The video online wasn't loading well as I tried to show friends eager to watch. I told them all I would find the youtube clip and email it out. The End.